desperate and adrift but still hopeful

"a leaf does not fall except he knows" says God in Quran, Anam-59.

you may not believe this; no argue.

just for the heck of it lets assume that it is right.

doesn't it mean that such a seeming ruddy absurd insignificant occurrence (falling a leaf) matters to God?

and if you agree with this, you may wanna think about your totally meaningless bits of acts!!!

why???

because, when the universe's teeny tiny automatic things matter to God it means that these are affecting the universe, in one way or another, even if their effect is microscopic it matters to God! never forget that the ocean is just a pile of microscopic molecules, which is in turn a generous bed for a myriad kinds of species.

therefore, your even negligible acts affect the universe in much much larger scale than falling a leaf, since they are issued from the God's surrogate on the earth.

NOW, we can talk about my dilemma;

what should  be the kind of work/job/profession/occupation I do in my life?

it's getting late

what would you do if you realize you have been under-effect by someone or something that has been a part of your life and now is a fiber of your being?

in 127 Hours the man gets rid of his own ruddy bloody hand. what would you do? you think you got the guts to do the must?

if it is in your brain forget it.

if it is in your heart put it out.

if it is in your body cut and throw it away.

where is it? huh?

honestly, I think this is the thing that drives me.

the thing that controls me, leads me, nourishes me and yet consumes me.

now I can see why Hafez always says pour me a drink.

پر کن پیاله را

until the doomsday string me along

What is prettier than the sound of rain in the silence of night.

So, I am desperately in need of a myriad of problems

I hope to be successful in carving a white soul out of this serendipity that embodies me.

God helps who moves

مرا سفر به کجا می‌برد؟

کجا نشان قدم ناتمام خواهد ماند؟

و بند کفش به انگشت‌های نرم فراغت گشوده خواهد شد؟

One day I will be told your obligation is now satisfied,

This is inevitable.

BUT, will I be satisfied in that moment too?

Alas, this is not guaranteed!

Which makes me too restless and insecure.

How vulnerable I feel,

And concomitantly sanguine;

Because nothing is written,

And I am determined to write my own destine.

After taking TOEFL at-Home

First I went to a hotel to do this =) so for me it'd be at-hotel =))

Reading was almost as difficult as I expected and I got 29 out of 30.

BUT the listening. When I was practicing I realized that I have a serious problem in listening not only in English rather even in Persian! The fact is I do not listen at all =)) My mind wanders and does not stop and focus on the thing that my ears are receiving =)) So I got that my problem was not related to the ability of understanding English lectures or conversation; I'm not gonna brag but I have already finished Friends, after all!

The plan I had made was to train my brain to focus on the inputs receiving in my ears =)) After days of training I got that skill too ^_^

However, it was not enough; Why? Because you have to steel yourself for any unfairness to happen as they happened for me, unfortunately =|

The first conversation went well, and I was in the middle of the first lecture where the bumpkin proctor began to talk with me! Believe it? At first I thought I was wrong and it's an illusion but he kept interfering with the lecture! He was really an asinine goon. I yelled at him I am listening to the lecture why are you interfering... Said, tilt your screen, after taking about 20-30 seconds of the lecture. You guessed, huh? Yeah, I lost the track of the lecture and worse than that I lost my control over the test.

Look, a lecture has got 6 questions and you can not afford to lose more than one question of it which in my case I lost all of it and got 23 out of 30 in the listening section. While I was in a terrible situation the speaking section came to the screen without a minimum pause. I knew I had to focus so the only thing that I was thinking about was: hey focus; which in turn deteriorated my nervousness resulted in an unsatisfying reply to the first speaking question. After that I got myself and other things together and crushed the three remaining questions in the section.

Wish it was the only jinx but it turned out that he had to interfere once more. This time in the middle of listening to the lecture in writing section. You know you must listen to the lecturer and find his opinion about a passage and then write about their opinion showing how the lecturer refutes the passage. The lecturer was about to say his third reason against the passage that BANG again this stupid boy came to scene and mumbled something that I did not understand. You may know about them, they are commonly from India and their accent is not clear. However, this time I got my back up and told him you ruined my test. Again, he said tilt your screen and went. I do not know why he was so fixated on my screen's angle that when I'd change it for one-two degrees he'd get satisfied. To stop beating around the bush, I should say that after that happening I could not keep my shirt on any longer and uttered some f-words =)) while I could not do the task which had only 20 minutes. I was hitting to my head something that my grandma would do when she was in a disastrous state. I had lost the game! This was the only thought circulating in my head.  However, until I got myself together again, the timer was showing only 16 minutes. I said to myself I can do it even now that I did not hear what the lecturer said. Began to write. I crushed the two first arguments and for the third one I had about 7-8 minutes to think what might the professor had said. I thought just like Ikkyu-San =)) And came up with the answer that the professor should had said the subsidies do not have benefit for small farms because of blah blah blah. It was 3 minutes to finish that my screen went down! And I heard a voice, "hello". Oh My God! Not again! I said why are you doing this, why are interfering with my tasks, you ruined my test... But it was a native American not that proctor saying that you are talking to me right now and I am another guy. He said I heard some abusive language and it should not happen. I said that's because of blah blah blah and I am sorry. It's alright, said he. And tried to justify the accidents and other things. The result was that they allowed me to listen to the lecture once more time and they got me the same 3 minutes to finish the task.

I listened and enjoyed of the brightness of my reasoning since I had guessed correctly what the third argument could had been. I just added one more sentence and got over it. I wrote more than 250 words for that section, about 280 words in 16 minutes with all the nervousness and feelings of being aggrieved. Well done boy +_^

The last part was the easiest one and I wrote 187 words for it in 8 minutes.

I have already sent a complaining email to ETS about those unfair acts by the proctor hoping to revise my score in the listening section.

Infertility and decades of being the stroker on life's tandem - 1

Why do my efforts end in futility? Because the captain wants it, like Warden in Shawshank? Should I break the prison by myself disregarding what I have been respecting since I saw them for the first time?

I'm thinking about Iqbal who once had a dream in which he observes himself as a follower of Hegel where Rumi comes to his dream.

There are different stories about that dream, in some of them it is Shams that comes to his dream.

The one that I like is that, Iqbal sees himself to be captive of Hegel in his dream alongside all of the universe including the sun and  suddenly he sees a light rising from the east. The light gets closer and greater while Hegel becomes smaller until nothing can be seen because of the intensity of the light. When the light becomes close enough Iqbal realizes that the light is Shams! In that moment Hegel is disappeared. It's been said, after this dream Iqbal returns to the philosophy of east and becomes a follower of Shams and write this poem, to suggest that Hegel's philosophy is abortive despite its justifiability:

گر چه فکر بکر او پیرایه بندد چون عروس - ماکیان کز زور مستی خایه بندد بی خروس

That's poor Hegel in the dream is kind of like me =)) Yeah I am Hegel =))

Am I wrong in the base? Which makes my efforts so fruitless just like Hegel's philosophy?

If it's true, what should I do? More importantly what can I do? Change everything? every thing? Is it possible? More vital, is it reasonable?

I do not know what to do.

Just minutes after the GRE is over

After committing to verbal learning for a really great deal of time finally I got 148 out of 170 which is not satisfying, not at all!

I should say that it was very hard! I had done a lot of tests and read a lot of words but as you know it is a bad ass exam on your vocabulary and verbal skill.

I was holding the hope to get at least 150. However it is over.

The thing is that I had slept less than 6 hours last night and I could not get sleep today so I had a tired mind!

In the afternoon I tried to get sleep but I could not except for almost 20 minutes and then I jumped awakened.

Solving verbal questions needs true focus which I did not have, unfortunately due to lack of sleep. I could have been better than this if I had slept enough. But you know, it is about the rules of universe that sometimes you are not going to do well or do near your best.

In my case, I was far from my ideal status so I could not show my abilities and it is hard to get over it.

I had studied for the test and I deserved much more than this. It's not fair. not at all.

The quant section was as hard as it was expected so I managed to get 159 out of 170.

The only thing that I regret is the last question that I had solved to 99 percent of it and just when I reached the mouse to select the answer, which I am completely sure it was correct, my time was up and it stopped me from choosing the answer.

If it had allowed me to select the answer I would have gotten above 160. Oh GOD!

The answer was 15/58. How agonizing it is!

Waiting to get the analytical writing score that will be available in 8 days.

I thing I would get 3.5-4 out of 6.

The exam in this section is based on your reasoning ability, it is an essay which I am good at but in my native language.

In English I am good in some cases I do even better than in Persian but the problem is speed of writing the essay.

In Persian I write essays of 1000 words in less than 15 minutes but in English I can write essays of at most 500 words in 30 minutes.

And in the GRE exam, you got only 30 minutes which means I could write at my best about 500 words which I did, I guess.

Hope you fare well my friend; And you know who I mean. Be healthy, hopeful, positive and industrious that guarantee your success. Wish you your heart get more and more open and strong.

it matters

I should not lose my will power. I shan't.

end it; or be ended

Do you know what "extreme" is?

It doesn't matter, just know it happens in the final scene.

You have been on a journey for a while,

we know that things tend to get harder as the course progresses;

in one hand you see  your energy debilitates and on the other hand you see the path gets narrower and the trail is fading...

as much as you get closer to the end even the rate at which things are getting harder will increase,

your heartbeat speeds up so as the rate does. like marching for a final battle.

the rate gets to its full potential in the latter moments when things put on a disguise to mislead you to the state of impossibility,

when it seems there is no vestige of hope,

when the universe oppresses you to the feeling of your end,

this is the time that they say extreme; it is adjacent to the end, 

it is the harbinger of the end actually.

Just one step is remaining.

Beware of the taking last step.

Tie a streak of hope around your finger as a remembrance of your alliance with infinity.

Whenever the universe tries to stop and oppress you just take a glance at your finger; you will overcome it.

This is not only my promise but also my firsthand experience.

چرا همیشه سرسری میخونیم و رد میشیم؟

چه اهمیت دارد اگر می‌رویند قارچ‌های غربت؟

حیات مجدد

من تو را مشغول می‌کردم، دلا

یاد آن افسانه کردی عاقبت

جاودانگی

بهبود کیفیت زندگی در بعد اخلاقی تنها چیزیه که ارزش هزینه کردن زمان رو داره.

زمان مهمترین دارایی ماست. 

زمان برای تمام سایر دارایی‌ها محدودیت ایجاد میکنه.

شما فکر کن تمام هستی مال شماست ولی تا کی؟ به محض اینکه دارایی شما از زمان تمام بشه، مالکیت شما از تمام سایر دارایی‌ها صفر میشه.

زمانِ هر کس، به نظر من، اینطور باید در نظر گرفته بشه:

فرصتی برای کسب و تبدیل دارایی‌ها به دارایی‌های فناناپذیر.

زمان که جلاد دارایی‌‌هاست خودش فرصت میده که دارایی‌ها رو از زیر تیغ خودش دربیاریم. یعنی مالکیت ما از هر دارایی که داریم بعد از اتمام دارایی ما از زمان امتداد پیدا کنه.

خوبه نه؟

اما چطوری؟

پ.ن:

زمان غبار فناست و بر فرصت مالکیت می‌نشینه.

و چیزهایی هست که ورای زمان حیات دارن.

مثل صفات نیک و حتی بد.

می‌دونی چقدر دارایی‌های فیزیکی باید خرج کنی تا فقط یک کلمه مثل «راستگو» رو به دست بیاری؟